it seems like every version of reality I pop into warps the way I perceive the passing of time; and in curaçao, time seems to go at slower-than-half speed. and I’m not talking about how people don’t seem to hustle like in the world I just left…I’m talking about how it seems like you can fit more experiences – do more things – in the span of 24 hours on an island where there’s “nothing to do” than in a bustling city with endless options for things to do. we’ve been in curaçao for 36 hours…and it already feels like forever. it’s that feeling of familiarity: despite all the practical/social things yet to discover – favourite spots to visit, friends to make, how to take the bus, where the nearest pharmacy is, etc – it already feels like home.
but that makes sense in my case. curaçao seems to be a place where elements of my previous lives collide: walk into any supermarket and you see the north american products I used to eat in canada, the dutch products – literally from albert heijn and jumbo, the island/import prijsverhoudingen as in japan (affordable fish, astronomical prices for produce), the mengelmoes of cultural backgrounds akin to that in malaysia, and all the tropical fruits I used to pluck from my grandparents’ backyard.
okay – landed, settled…en nu?
two weeks ago, I had plans: 5 weeks, 5 big projects and a couple side quests, a la all you can art. I made an excel sheet and a schedule, and a packing list for materials…and tried to figure out how to optimise the social value of these projects – because if they didn’t serve a dual purpose, it wouldn’t be efficient. couldn’t I also try to tie in something psychology and/or food related? try to make a connection with my previous lives? and of course, these projects had to be continuable, they had to have growth potential, be a foundation to build upon…
and then I went to visit david in heerlen, got reminded of what the whole point of going to curaçao was, and promptly let go of all of these plans.
“waarom ga je niet eerst gewoon kijken, voelen?” he said, and he was right. it’s a tendency of mine, to get so caught up orchestrating the possible futures that I forget about the “now”. for a large portion of my life, there has always been someone telling me I’m lazy and aimless, causing me to develop an addiction to productivity.
yes, all you can art taught me that you can get a lot done in 5 weeks, but it also taught me the importance of play and how to let my emotions and my personal ‘noodzaak’ guide my creative process. my personal noodzaak, not how I could use my art to be of service to others – but how, by making what I want to make for myself, others could also benefit from joining me in my world.
it was really just ‘les aquarel’ all over again: the more I try to control how the water flows across the page, the more frustrated I get and the more rigid and emotionless the painting looks. the more I let go of trying to control the water, the more organically the painting comes together, allowing more space for the (unconscious) expression of emotions. and emotions = connection, which is why I’m doing this whole art thing in the first place!
so what’s the new plan? it’s simple, really: this is a continuation of childhood #5, the childhood that began on ‘ayca island’ last summer. my inner child, pipje, gets to take the lead and find out who they are and what they want to be when they grow up. new childhood = new starting conditions, an opportunity to challenge the assumptions I’ve collected from my previous childhoods.
what if, for example, I raised myself to put myself first? do what I want (as long as I don’t hurt anyone in the process) and not care so much about being useful to others?
what if I taught myself that it’s okay to want and need help? that sometimes, it’s okay to ‘be an inconvenience’ because most people don’t keep a tally sheet and are actually just as happy to help others as I am?
what if I raised myself to be okay with being inefficient for the sake of enjoying and learning from the process?
what if I made taking breaks and naps a regular part of my day – not because I’m being lazy, but because I’m practicing self-care?
and what if I raised myself to understand that productivity and performance – the key determinants of someone’s value in our capitalistic world – aren’t all they’re cracked up to be?
in short, I’m here for a mindset reset. I”m here to learn and play and rest. to follow my heart, come back to my core, remember who I am and figure out who I want to be.
the rest will take care of itself – it always does.